When is spanking ok?

So I have suddenly started to be a popular choice when people search for anything to do with spanking. I assume that this type of spanking is the kind used on children and not the other kind. If it is the other kind, then sadly I won't have given them much joy (sorry 'bout that folks, perhaps in the future?)

Any hoo, about the spanking thing... Pat left a comment on one of my previous entries in which she mentioned the previous generations attitude to spanking and it got me thinking. The RO got to talking about it yesterday and its clear that our upbringing (which have been vastly different) have definitely shaped our views on the subject.

As I only have my own experience to draw on, I'll only share my opinion, maybe the RO with share his sometime to.

Spanking was a regular occurrence for me when I was growing up. This ranged from the regular 'slap on the thighs' right through to the more hard core 'belt or shoe'. Now let me hasten to add for those who haven't caught up with the story so far, I was a difficult child partly due to circumstance and partly due to genes (but that's a whole other story). The problem with this type of punishment as far as I can see is that it is only affective for as long as the child truly fears it. This is where my dad messed up a little. Spanking was always his first choice of punishment and it was always delivered in anger (I hasten to add that I was not 'beaten' or 'abused' and I have no bruises or scars to show for it). The frequency of the spanking made it lose all it's impact and this only transferred the control over to me.

Imagine for a minute that you receive a hard slap on the leg every day for the next year, sure it will still sting every day but eventually the anticipation for the sting dwindles until it is replaced with resigned acceptance. You know that the sting will fade pretty quickly and so the impact is removed. For me this is a completely illogical and ineffective form of punishment - the only thing this will strengthen is the child's stubborn and resilient traits.

It is a tough call to make for me because I don't want to ever be in the position where I would feel it necessary to give a child of mine a hiding. That's not to say that I will never be in that position however and so I have come up with a strategy that I hope will work for me...

• A hiding will always be my last resort.
• To me the most important method for dealing with disobedience is communication, the child needs to understand what he/she has done and why it is inappropriate.
• The second form or punishment I would use is consequence. Children quickly learn to understand the value of their own property when you threaten to remove it (or you do remove it). This extends to tv and game playing as well as toys etc
• Thirdly - grounding. This was perhaps the most effective form of punishment that my parents used (having overused all the others this was all that was really left) - especially as a young child/early teenager, the idea of not being able to see my friends was a biggie!

Now I'm not a fool, I realise that without actually putting this in to practice I have no way of truly knowing whether this method will work, however I am confident that between us, the RO and I will be able to support one another through all eventualities.

I really wish that my mom and dad had taken the time to think things through. I wish that my father had remembered that children need to be allowed the opportunity to be just children. As all my experiences are now in the past, I can only look to the future and hope that I won't make the same mistakes that they did. That as parents we will show a unified front, that any disagreement that we may have with each other or one another's parenting techniques will be discussed away from our children so as to protect them from the inevitable fallout that occurs when children witness cracks in their parents solidarity.

My parents made plenty of pretty bad decisions and as an adult I had to work through the anxiety and confusion that arose from them, but I came out fine at the other end as I can only hope other children in the same situation will too.

VP